irrational rationalizations

As I reflect on this beginning of my journey to wellness, I notice habits that I need to keep aware. I pray for the insight to understand myself more, and the strength to change my self destructive behaviors.

I had planned ahead for the chaos. I made my family dinner ahead of time, and partially prepared a yummy salad for me.

Dinner hour arrived, and somehow time crunched. Somewhere amidst the 18 month old demanding dinner, a vehicle fiasco with dead batteries and car seat issues, the baby needing to nurse, and everyone running late to our Bible studies …. my salad plans were long gone.

What am I doing???? I thought as the third cookie entered my mouth. My tummy growled, and I went into survival mode. Apparently, that means grabbing whatever to eat. I quickly checked the calories and serving size. Then, the irrational rationalizations began…

“I have enough calories left today. I am not eating dinner anyway. These cookies are small. They never have food at Bible Study, so nows my only chance. Well, I’ve already ate 4, I mind as well eat 2 more so I have 2 complete servings to enter into my food diary. I deserve it, I’ve been eating well lately. I did exercise today.”

Realizing I didn’t eat well, and might get hungry – I ate a cheese stick on the drive over. I like this thoughtful attempt to eat something healthy!

Did satan tell them I was coming and was weak and weary? As I entered the home hosting Bible study, I was greeted with the fresh smell of chocolate chip cookies!

The irrational rationalizations again …. “I already ate bad today, so I might as well enjoy these cookies!”

I ate two!

Thankfully, I did not eat the other chocolate chip cookies my husband brought home that evening as I normally would.

In hindsight, I can see the break down began at the chaos and stress. I could have easily grabbed fruit, cheese, or nuts as a dinner substitute. Instead, I chose to “let it all go” and be overcome by temptation. This was psychological, as I don’t even like the cookies I had at home!

In the past, this “slip up” would send me into a downward spiral of defeat. The cycle of sin, guilt, more poor choices and feeling defeated. One evening of poor choices would lead me to more poor choices, and before I knew it I would have days of living in defeat. Many times I’d end up controlled by my stronghold and in a pit.

Thankfully, I renewed my mind.

Romans 8:1 teaches, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

I must not be deceived into the guilt – sin cycle of self destruction.

Praise God, I started afresh the next day.

“Lord, I ask for discernment to notice these irrational rationalizations. When I slip up, as I know will happen, I purpose in Christ’s strength to start the next moment anew and recommit to my journey of wellness.

fellowship, not food

Which deserves my focus – fellowship or food?

In planning a much anticipated meeting with a new friend, I was asked to make the arrangements.

My thought pattern shocked me…

“What restaurant do I want to go to? This is a great opportunity to EAT what I desire. How can I arrange the seating arrangements we need, and make that work at the restaurant I want to eat at?”

When I realized she didn’t want to eat dinner, but just meat with me – I was disappointed. When I decided that I would still meet her, but would also not eat, I was upset. I could NOT go to my favorite place and just not eat?!?

I was anticipating the food more than the person I was meeting. And, this person was someone I had prayed for 2 months to be able to meet!

I don’t think is normal, but I do this all the time. Anyone else?

Life isn’t about food – it’s about Jesus and loving people.

Fellowship deserves my focus, not food.

I pray for continued insight into my strange behaviors and prominence I give to food.

I am beautiful

Often, God speaks to me in themes. I need repetition to “get it”. The topic of “beauty”, keeps arising all around me! This has caused me to reflect….

I feel beautiful. I believe I am beautiful. I guess this is a good thing. I don’t really focus on beauty, think about it much, look in the mirror often, and can go an entire day without even brushing my hair and tending to my “beauty” (well, until my hubby comes home). My point is, I am not overly concerned with the topic.

Recently when conversing with a friend about weight issues, she commented that her personal self confidence and image are in direct correlation to her weight.

I could not relate to her feelings. I responded, “I think I am 50# lighter than I really am. When I look in the mirror, I can’t even believe that it is me!”

Our wonderful conversation reminded me that our sins and “food issues” have different affects on our personhood.

I don’t feel that my personal confidence or worth has waivered in correlation to my weight gain and lack of wellness. I am thankful for that. The one negative thought I do have is I feel less “sexy” for my hubby. He assures me I am sexy, for that I am grateful. However I’d like to be “more sexy” for him:).

I’ve been pondering…. what makes me beautiful? What does GOD think is beautiful?

I have realized there is a difference between feeling beautiful vs knowing “I am beautiful” because of who I am in Christ, vs. thinking I am beautiful.

I believe underneath it all I do think I am beautiful and know I am beautiful in Christ. Yet, I admit, I do not always feel beautiful… perhaps this has some affect on my entering into self-destructive choices in the area of wellness?

It has been great to renew my mind with His truths.

Psalm 139 speaks that we are each “fearfully and wonderfully made”. We are individually created in God’s image, and He is King of Kings. We are royalty, bought with the precious blood of Jesus. We are princesses, and we should act like one!

See my post, FREEDOM for yesterdays thoughts, and visit my dear friend Melissa Taylor’s blog I am beautiful for more information and encouragement.

Be still, and reflect on your beauty!

What makes you beautiful?

We are beautiful!!! …. thank you JESUS!

freedom

I must not trade one yolk of slavery for another.

Galations 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery”.

I long for my journey of wellness to lead me to freedom from the slavery of food and self destruction. However, as I lose weight and make changes, may I not be entangled into the desire for beauty as the world seeks.

Today, I FEEL free. Free from the persistent call to food. Praise God!

I struggle to make the multiple daily choices for wellness, but am persevering in the Lord’s strength, and pray I will develop new healthy habits.

Thus far, here, the Lord has taken me, and I see HIS faithfulness!

My main objective is to be Free from my stronghold, and honor God with my body. However, I realize that I probably will have weight loss, and hopefully 75# worth!

I can get excited about weight loss, and today I am reminded to not trade one yolk of slavery for another. May I not be yolked to the desire of beauty and the focus of outward appearance through weight loss.

Today I’ll share scriptures about beauty that have renewed my mind.

Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (NIV)

“Your beauty should not come for outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Exodus 34:29, “When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord” (NIV).

2 Corinthians 3:18, “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit” (NIV).

I am FREE… May I be yoked to Jesus!

May my inner self, the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, from spending time with the Savior be radiated!

May I reflect the Lord’s glory!

That is what makes me beautiful!

no acceptable excuse

Well-intended peoples have helped me excuse my enlargement and the neglecting of my health.

I do have adequate excuses, right? I am 11 weeks postpartum with baby #5 (my oldest being 7.5 yo), I’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death these past 2 years with my 2.5 yo son died unexpectedly and tragically, I homeschool, I had gestational diabetes, my thyroid is “off”, I am a mom of babies, I am nursing, I have no time for ME, my hubby works a lot, etc.. While these circumstances are factual – they don’t excuse my inappropriate use, abuse, and over consumption of food. Nor do they excuse my lack of stewardship in taking care of my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit.

There are many ways in which we can lack stewardship with our bodies.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 is referring to sexual immorality; however I am convicted that it applies to my wellness “issues” as well.

“ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Using my life circumstances as my excuse for not being a good steward of the physical body God has blessed me with is not acceptable. I have had this “issue” since childhood, teenage-hood, young adulthood, and now my 30-somethings. I cannot blame it on my circumstances, because apparently I always have circumstances! I don’t want to use excuses or blame any longer. I must take responsibility for my temple.

Please don’t misunderstand me on this. I know we all mess up, sin, over indulge here or there. I am not expecting perfection from myself. I am praying for the strength to learn from my cyclical past and make changes in God’s strength to honor God with my body and stay out of my pit.