As I reflect on this beginning of my journey to wellness, I notice habits that I need to keep aware. I pray for the insight to understand myself more, and the strength to change my self destructive behaviors.
I had planned ahead for the chaos. I made my family dinner ahead of time, and partially prepared a yummy salad for me.
Dinner hour arrived, and somehow time crunched. Somewhere amidst the 18 month old demanding dinner, a vehicle fiasco with dead batteries and car seat issues, the baby needing to nurse, and everyone running late to our Bible studies …. my salad plans were long gone.
What am I doing???? I thought as the third cookie entered my mouth. My tummy growled, and I went into survival mode. Apparently, that means grabbing whatever to eat. I quickly checked the calories and serving size. Then, the irrational rationalizations began…
“I have enough calories left today. I am not eating dinner anyway. These cookies are small. They never have food at Bible Study, so nows my only chance. Well, I’ve already ate 4, I mind as well eat 2 more so I have 2 complete servings to enter into my food diary. I deserve it, I’ve been eating well lately. I did exercise today.”
Realizing I didn’t eat well, and might get hungry – I ate a cheese stick on the drive over. I like this thoughtful attempt to eat something healthy!
Did satan tell them I was coming and was weak and weary? As I entered the home hosting Bible study, I was greeted with the fresh smell of chocolate chip cookies!
The irrational rationalizations again …. “I already ate bad today, so I might as well enjoy these cookies!”
I ate two!
Thankfully, I did not eat the other chocolate chip cookies my husband brought home that evening as I normally would.
In hindsight, I can see the break down began at the chaos and stress. I could have easily grabbed fruit, cheese, or nuts as a dinner substitute. Instead, I chose to “let it all go” and be overcome by temptation. This was psychological, as I don’t even like the cookies I had at home!
In the past, this “slip up” would send me into a downward spiral of defeat. The cycle of sin, guilt, more poor choices and feeling defeated. One evening of poor choices would lead me to more poor choices, and before I knew it I would have days of living in defeat. Many times I’d end up controlled by my stronghold and in a pit.
Thankfully, I renewed my mind.
Romans 8:1 teaches, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
I must not be deceived into the guilt – sin cycle of self destruction.
Praise God, I started afresh the next day.
“Lord, I ask for discernment to notice these irrational rationalizations. When I slip up, as I know will happen, I purpose in Christ’s strength to start the next moment anew and recommit to my journey of wellness.