Everything begins with a first step. The first action taken. Placing one foot in front of the other and holding Jesus’ hand, I begin my journey to wellness.
Over the past month, I have been conversing with God about my physical wellness. He prodded me to do this blog as an aide along this journey. I answer, “Yes, God.” An act of obedience. I don’t want to blog such a personal subject. I have succeeded and failed many times in the past with wellness. I may fail again and everyone will know it.
Yet, “IT” isn’t a secret. Anyone who has eyes to see, can look at my physical appearance and conclude I have “issues” with food. If you consume more calories than you expend, you will enlarge.
I know ….. I have had 5 babies, with my oldest being 7. However, repeated over-indulgence of food and out of control eating cannot be blamed on pregnancy.
Usually, I am REAL and transparent with people. I encourage others to live an authentic life, to “be REAL”. Over the past 2 years, without hesitation I’ve shared my grief journey openly with anyone interested. Grief, is my reaction to God’s sovereign plan, and it is healing to share the experience.
I have great hesitation to BE REAL with my food issues. My food addiction and cycle of self destruction are personal habitual sins that appear self-inflicted. I feel it is something I should have control over, and I don’t want anyone to know about it. Pride? Embarrassment? What do you think?
I believe my reaction to never disclose my journey to wellness is evidence that I am in bondage. The sin-blame-guilt-shame-unbelief cycle of a stronghold. Well, no more evil one! I know this journey to wellness will continue until I reach Glory with Jesus – where I will be 100% well. However, in Christ’s strength I can be victorious in conquering this stronghold of sin. May this blog bring my sin into the LIGHT, and may I be FREE.
My “issues” have been lingering my lifetime. In fact, food issues and the use of substances to soothe, are woven throughout my family history on both sides. Relatives obsessed with looks, exercise, and public approval. A history of using substances to relax, achieve fun, and numb pain. By elementary school I was already one of the less “frail” girls, or “big boned” as I was told. I went to a “fat farm” in eighth grade, where I shed 30 pounds. A rigorous athletic sport schedule combated my bad food habits, but when it ended, the weight crept back on. My food habits caught up to me. Throughout college and my 20-somethings I desired to lose weight. I’d gain 20 and lose 20 again and again. Multiple pregnancies caused weight gain, and in time I’d lose it. When my two year old died during my fourth pregnancy, my stronghold and grief co-existed, and now two years – two babies later I am left with 75 pounds to lose!
I want this cycle to end and never return.
The Lord has revealed to me, that is a cycle of a stronghold. I repent, and temporarily break-free from my food addiction Then under stress and circumstances, I choose to use food to comfort, entertain and fill. I end in a pit of consequences, guilt, shame, and unbelief that I can ever be free. I then accept the position of defeat. Living inside my pit, I then choose to continue to not care for myself, eat more because I like food or deserve it, and then have more consequences for my choices. I delay climbing out of my pit …. maybe tomorrow – but today I will indulge. Twisted thinking – I am not going to exercise because I didn’t eat well today already, and the day is ruined? It’s a bad eating day, so I mind as well “get my full” and try better tomorrow. I am starting to eat well on Monday, so I need to enjoy this weekend! Finally, I am drained energy and have little left of myself to give to those around me. Depressed, drained, and unhealthy.
Food? I wonder if you are thinking – all this about food? I’ve thought that before. Not sex? alcohol? drugs? A FOOD addiction? Yup, food. I believe the evil one uses the most innocent anythings to distract us from worshipping GOD 100% and allowing Him to completely fill us. There is nothing new under the sun. The serpent deceived Eve from the beginning and continues to use whatever means necessary to deceive and distract us today.
I don’t understand all of this. I am only beginning to recognize the facts – the cycle. I’ve heard admittance is the beginning of healing? I pray so. I pray I will understand more and the LORD will teach me why I do what I do. I pray HE will show me my path to wellness, and how to stay far away from my pit in the future.
Thanks for listening. Please comment. Have you struggled with anything similar? Anyone? I CANNOT believe the lie that I am the only one.