February 8th. Again. and again. and again. Six years.
Tucker’s Move to Heaven Day, or Death Day.
There will always be a person missing. When I count heads in the van, set the table for dinner, make reservations, teach school, and answer the question of how many children we have. “Seven, we have seven.”
But my mind can wander… “What would it be like to have an 8 year old here, too?”
I remind myself, that God knows. Knows best. He has everything in control. Tucker is missing here, but is perfectly wonderful there. God’s ways and thoughts are perfect. He is sovereign over everything. I can trust Him and He is good. He loves me and my family. He loves Tucker – more than me… and that’s a lot! Heaven will be here soon, and the longing is much sweeter.
If Tuck was here, my new-normal would not be. Nor would I be more refined and have walked so intimately with God. Tuck’s life and purpose continue to ripple and impact for Jesus, Kingdom business. I am blessed and honored to be his Mommy.
I miss him, much. I don’t feel empty, but extremely full. Full of love and life. Blessings abound.
The header here at Homegrowing captures the abundance.
I intended to make today a day of recounting God’s faithfulness to our family. To share the stories, photos, movies, cards and memories with the kids. Intentions, but not reality. I walked through the day in a cloud. We didn’t watch Tucker movies, look at scrapbooks or go through the two Tucker bins in the basement. No verbalizations or actions, but many remembrances in my heart.
I quietly floated through this day on a God-cloud, as He carried me. Simply being. Blessed living, and feeling.
Psalm 147:3 remains truth radiating from heart this place in my grief journey … “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” He does. I am so grateful. There are no longer deep wounds, festering and exploding. God has rubbed a healing balm over the brokenness. He is faithful and never leaves us.
Tears came… cleavage tears. Last weekend I was still recovering from the stomach bug, weak, and hormonal. Tears, emotions, and fears. Surprising and unpredictable. I was in a bad place. It felt oppressive, and unusual. I cried, talked, journaled, and prayed through it. Thoughts that everything is going to go flying out of control, to doom and gloom. Specific fears were invading my thoughts, what-ifs, and negativism. I went to bed early, and awoke to a puking 5 year old at 3am, and I was feeling much better. That’s grief, I am familiar.
Today. Thankfully Irv worked from home this year, so I wasn’t alone. His presence makes me feel extra secure and safe. We did our 3-R’s (reading, writing, and ‘rithmatic), boys played outside building an awesome fort, piano, Bible Quiz, screen-time, and took a nap. The day flew by.
I captured this photo on my iphone. The Littles had just completed making Mommy’s hair beautiful, and moved their salon to the foyer. It’s amazing what a little Lady has done to this man-house!
Eden frequently is found wearing footie-jammies with dress-up gowns over top. She just went to bed in a flannel jammie outfit, with a ballerina pink tutu leotard over it. Her mom loves it, btw.
I purposed to see God loving me today. To thank Him, and keep counting the ways He loves me.
- sunshine. glorious sunshine. Same sunshine that day 2/8/06.
- calls, messages, emails, cards, notes, texts … thank-you.
- errand completed
- quiet time to journal
- cozy nap
- time with hubby
- clean house
- eating leftovers, no cooking
- children enjoying one another
- forts with brothers
- a donation to Good News Jail & Prison Ministry today in Tuck’s Memory
- playing ‘hair’ with the Littles
- reading books out-loud and doing art
- Tuck’s life and testimony radiating the love of Jesus through the darkness to others
Planning to get out those bins another day. Another day soon.
Today, just holding Tuck in my heart.