a PIT stop

I know the shortest distance from one place to another is a straight line. However, I have never traveled to any destination via that straight line. Air travel is as close as I have ever come, and even aviators don’t fly straight.

I don’t know why, but I’ve expected this journey of wellness to not have detours. I desire a straight line to my final destination: living in freedom from self destruction and honoring the Lord with my body – resulting in much weight loss.

I suppose journeying along the straight line to freedom would be the fastest route to my Promiseland. But I know that is not realistic, and I am definetley not on that straight line! I have been all over the map on this journey to wellness.

I am wandering about in the wilderness on my way to my Promiseland. I started this journey inside my pit of defeat. In Christ’s strength I climbed out, made choices for wellness, felt free from the grip of food and self destruction, and journied along to a 13# weight loss.

Today, I’ve made a PIT-stop. My journeying these past days have brought me back to my pit.

I am hovering over my pit. Actually, I am firmly gripping a dying root, dangling into my pit.

I look around me and recognize the wallpaper lining these walls. I’ve been here before. I don’t want to be in here. I don’t want to live like this. Yet, to be honest I desire to make these familiar choices of comfort that put me here. This seems like the easy way. It IS the easy way – self indulgence and satisfying fleshly cravings.

I can hear the voices – “You cannot live out there, it is too tough. The comfort is in here. What do you desire? Satisfy your desires. Go ahead, you deserve it. You are tiered, your back injury hurts, you’ve mothered busy today. You don’t have time or energy to exercise. You’ll never lose all the weight. You’ll just get pregnant anyway and get fat again. It’s too hard. Just curl up here, relax, and indulge.”

Where’s the voice of truth? I MUST hear it.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” Galations 5:1

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Phillipians 4:13

“Help me Jesus! Help me chose You, life, and turn away from self indulgence. Help me not accept the lie of being defeated.” Amen.

Usually, after short bursts of living free from my stronghold, I meet temptation, and then defeat. I find myself back in the hold of sin. I’ve prayed for discernment and understanding into my behavior cycles.

Recently I’ve learned about the cycle of defeat in my Beth Moore Bible Study, Believing God.

Slavery –> Deliverance –> Testing (success and failures) –> prevailing unbelief –> slavery= The Cycle of Bondage

Slavery –> Deliverance –> Testing (success and failures) –> prevailing BELIEF –> Promiseland = The Cycle of Victory

Beth Moore says, “How we come out of the testing and defeat determines our future. It is our prevailing attitude of belief or unbelief that determines reaching our Promiseland. Everyone has success and failures. The Isrealites died in the wilderness, in their cycle of defeat. We can be saved as can be and die in our own wilderness. No one gets to their place of promise accidently”

I ate out Friday night, and ate more than I had planned. I didn’t log it. Saturday came, and I ate out again and ate more than I had planned. I didn’t log it. Sunday I awoke feeling defeated from the previous 2 days – I ate unhealthy left overs for breakfast, ate out with indulging choices for lunch, and by evening was binging. I didn’t log it. Today, I arose purposed to re-commit. I ate a good breakfast. I found myself in the midst of a stressful public situation, with two tiered babies at nap time – with a buffet of food. I munched on toddler leftovers, and hobbled to my car with back pain. I next uncessesarily snacked at the bookstore when I wasnt’ hungry – felt guilty -and then ordered chinese for dinner! Then I feel condemmed and defeated. Giving up! And now here I am blogging about it all.

A little glimpse into the life of Darci!

What happened? Where did I go wrong?

I believe it is okay to eat out. It is okay to have a treat. Yet, I went into to auto self destruction and irrational rationalizations. I admit, I barely noticed all this was happening.

In tandem I chose to miss my devotions and Bible reading for these 3 days. I did think about it, and was going to do it , but I didn’t make it a priority and therefore it didn’t happen!

I was weak and weary. I fell in my own strength.

Help me JESUS!

Next time, no matter what I eat I purpose to record it. To stop and acknowledge the facts. I also need to recognize my emptiness and fill my self with God’s word that very moment.

In the power of Christ, I desire prevailing BELIEF and Victory to my Promiseland.

May I learn from this PIT-stop. May I accept this momentary failure, and choose prevailing BELIEF.

I believe that I can succeed on this journey of wellness.

I am on a journey, not a straight line! There will be curves, bumps, and detours.

It is what I do with these failures that determines my future.

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One Comment on “a PIT stop

  1. Oh Darci- I sigh- I have been there SO MANY TIMES! Praise the Lord that those times are getting fewer and further apart- and do not last as long as they once did.

    I can offer you hope, however. The very fact that you are recognizing these things is the beginning of victory. Learning our triggers and putting things into place to have victory over them is crucial to our success. Accurately holding ourselves accountable to what we have done, as well as forgiving ourselves for falling, are major keys to breaking free.

    You don’t have to be ashamed and hide it- everyone falls. It is a lie from the devil to think you will always do everything right- God wants to set you free to rely on Him through this. I know you have experience with much grief after the loss of your son- you KNOW you have good days and bad. Days when you totally walk in the light of the Lord and have peace and victory. And then days when you are depressed and utterly defeated with pain. This too will be the same. You have such a core of strength in you from what you have been through- don’t forget to use it!

    I love you!

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