Okay, I admit it! I did buy the Snicker Easter Eggs for me. I had planned on making the big kids (my hubby and I) and Easter basket for Sunday.
I didn’t hear them audibly in Target, but I should have known better than to bring those little deceivers home with me.
Late last evening I returned to the kitchen to refill Isaac’s sippy cup, and I heard strange sounds coming from the mud room. The Snicker Easter Eggs were calling my name! I decided to send one south to my stomach cavity.
Awakening this morning, I heard them again! I was in a rush to get out the door, and before I realized it I had eaten two for breakfast.
As I brushed my teeth – I felt guilty and much condemnation.
“I am just going to give up for today. This day is shot. I might as well just enjoy myself (eat a lot) and start another day on this journey to wellness.”
Strangely enough, I decided to talk to Jesus. You see, usually I ignore the subject / sin and therefor find myself avoiding intimacy with God. Then the downward spiral / cycle continues.
I felt the Lord impress on my heart…
“Darci, this is a journey. You are already on it. How many calories are in those eggs?”
I ran to check the nutritional info… 150 each , for a total of 300 calories.
“Darci, How many calories do you usually eat for breakfast?” The Lord asked.
“Around 300″ I replied.
Immediately I felt the weight of failure lifting. My day wasn’t ruined. I just had to continue in better choices for wellness.
“Is this legalism Lord?” I asked.
I have spent the remainder of this day pondering this question. Why are my thoughts so strange and my rationalizations so irrational? I have a religious history of legalism. Is this legalism?
Why is it that I feel like I am an “all or nothing” success or failure based on my actions? Then I cycle in defeat and wrestle to make the next best choice for me. I am left repeatedly making bad choices. Self destruction mode. Strange.
I know God loves me no matter what. He isn’t looking for performance, only faith. Why and what am I doing Lord?
Anyone out there relate?
I feel like I am going crazy in my mind – kinda the same craziness I felt in my grief when I didn’t understand myself or my actions.
Help me JESUS!
When I wrestle with confusion and sin, I know to cling to scripture and speak God’s word out loud.
So, here’s to today:
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2
As I finish typing, temptation strikes. They are calling me again. I just spoke this verse outloud! It changes things. I really am in a battle, and wrestling. I must fight with my Sword of the Spirit – GOD’s Word!
To fierce fighting my friends in your own battles … keep speaking out loud!