We had a National Holiday last week, May 3rd. He turned 11. Post to follow soon.
We have another National Holiday today. He turns 8. Eight years ago I birthed him, all 9#6oz of beautiful gift, chubby.
I don’t know if there are Birthday parties in Heaven, but we are singing to him here. Hope he knows he’s loved – however all that Heaven-stuff works. I only know it’s perfect there and best.
Yet, I miss him. Think of him daily. Heart-splitting to know it’s been 5+ years since I baked him cupcakes and lit his candles. Too long ago that I held him close, sang our special nighty-night song, and lingered together in toddler-hood bliss. I ache and miss… long to smell him on his huge taggie blanket, brush his wisps of hair, and absorb his adorable talk.
I live here. This now. And do what a Mama does on a birthday of any gift-child God has given. Give thanks for the gift. Give thanks for the time together. All undeserved, all a blessing. Pure love, pure joy, and gratitude. Sing the birthday song… blow candles … birthday balloons… birthday prayers… cupcakes … love. “I love you Tucker, to Heaven and back.”
“We think of you every time we play on our ‘Tucker Tire Swing’ and make ‘Tucker Hair’…”
Last night, I received an unexpected card. She didn’t know the importance of the date, I don’t believe. I know it’s a gift, a God-thing, a present just for me, from Him.
The front of her card imprinted, ‘Thank You’. “For what?” I wondered… I hadn’t given her anything.
….but God did…. And Tucker too.
“I just wanted to let you know that your family has inspired me to look into Christianity. Being in your home and seeing how much your faith is apart of your everyday life has made me realize that I want my boys to be raised Christian. …. Your family has been through many hard times and I couldn’t understand why your faith was so strong and how you could trust so much in God. One night after receiving an email from you, I clicked on Tucker’s link and looked through all your videos and pictures and sat on my couch crying. From that night on I felt a strong urge to research Jesus and Christianity…. We have been going to a church and I really like it there… Thank you so much for being such an amazing loving family and for allowing me in your home to be a part.”
Wow. Tears. God is faithful. February 2006 I asked God for a rhema, a Word from Him. He gave me Psalm 40:1-4.
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him
As I read and remember His Words to me, each line holds truth, promise, and evidence of His faithfulness and goodness. Yet, I clearly can vision my grieving, despairing self, reading these words of promise 5 years ago and telling God I didn’t understand any of them…I hoped for verse 1 and that He was hearing my many, many cries… but I didn’t think I’d survive my grief to ever understand the other verses.
Today, 5 years later I have lived each verse. Seen the evidence. I stand in awe of Jesus and all He is.. Everything.
He remembers. He cares. He’s cried. He loves.
He loves me. My family. My Tucker.
Thank You – Jesus.