This is my private journal entry that started this blog …. Feb 2008
“One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” ….Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.” John 5:5-6,8 (NIV) emphasis added
“Do you want to be well?” the words of Jesus penetrated my entire being as my husband read these Scriptures in family worship. I listened as I nursed the baby, another day in my postpartum fog. Soon I’d find my next “fix” for a good feeling – food. The postpartum blues. Was Jesus speaking directly to me this morning? OF COURSE I WANT TO BE WELL!
Yesterday …… “I’ll take a blueberry muffin, a boston cream donut, a glazed donut, and a hot chocolate,” I ordered. I had a 45 minute wait in the van while the big boys were at karate. I had just over indulged at home on a chocolate bar, leftover pizza, and I can’t remember what else. Oh, the what else was pizza and spinach dip with chips for lunch. This quick jaunt to Duncan Donuts was all for me. I sat in the van and ate. I then drove home and served my family dinner. Of course then dessert. I have “issues”.
Issues: Me, turning to food for something -I don’t understand what. This is an all too familiar scenario these postpartum days. A yummy flavor, comfort, a seratonin rise?, some medical reason?, just because I CAN, or because I am trapped in the sin of gluttony?
I do have “circumstances”. I am 10 weeks postpartum with baby #5 (oldest being 7). Winter is a difficult time of year for me as we are inside with minimal sunshine. The holiday festivities, mild postpartum depression, and February marks 2 years since my dear son Tucker died at age 2 1/2. We all have circumstances, and we always will.
We also all have sins that hold us strongly when we indulge them. They begin small and innocent. That’s how the evil one deceives and lies. This is okay for others, just a little more won’t hurt, come on just one time for fun, you deserve it, forget about your responsibilities for a moment. It then takes over, and there we are, in our pits.
Pit : a concealed hole in the ground used as a trap; a pitfall.
The evil one hits us when we are weak, and weak I am.
Yesterday, I listened to my sweet girlfriend talk about her husband’s abuse of alcohol and illegal recreational drugs. “What a shame he is “using” to cope with “life”. He just needs Jesus” I thought. I had an instant, Holy Spirit, flick – I HAVE JESUS!!!! BUT WHY AM I “USING” FOOD? I have no excuse!
I’ve heard HIM whispering lately. I am in my pit..and the whisper seems distant. Each day comes and I decide that tomorrow I will turn from my sin, just one more day of being out of control. Just one more indulgence. It’s legal. I am not hurting anyone other than myself. Irrational rationalizations.
Familiar territory. Once in the pit, I forget how to get out. The getting out seems less attractive than the temporary enjoyment of sin. In fact, I don’t believe I will ever get out. Then guilt, defeat, lack of confidence, condemnation, and more lies. The classic devil-invented, addiction – stronghold cycle. I give up.
I’ve kept my Bible at a distance, shirking my morning quiet time, and have feasted only on secondary meat – the bare bone scraps of worship music and scripture spewing from my husband and kiddos.
Three cupcakes and two cookies: eaten in secret… this was just my breakfast. My household is still and quiet this morning. I catch a quick shower before the baby needs mama’s milk. The shower is refreshing. I sense the LORD speaking to my heart, so many impressions. I am in a deep PIT, and HE is so good to still love me.
I am driven to my computer to write this. I am reminded of His love.
“I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:28-29 NLT
In my self-inflicted PIT, HE loves me
How am I in this pit again? I didn’t wake up one morning and choose … “I think today I will go get in that all too familiar pit, because I like it, because it feels good, because Jesus isn’t enough!”
Jesus IS enough. I know He is.
“Okay Lord – I will take action. I do want to be well. I will pick up my mat and walk. I will obey Your voice, and begin my journey to wellness.”