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click here to watch Tucker’s piano playing on his last day… this video is a gift from Jesus to me…..

Excerpt from tuckersalisbury.com…..”Mommy had a very special last bedtime with you. It was so different than normal. Bedtime February 7th, from mommy’s perspective… I was home alone with you boys, and usually I do the fastest bedtime possible, as I am exhausted from the long day and night. This night was different. Though I wish we spent longer, we were in your bedroom playing for one hour. I don’t remember exactly how our night went, but I know around 7:00 all you boys were in your room playing with all the fun blocks you got for Christmas. I can remember a few days earlier thinking we hadn’t really played a lot with them yet. I joined the group to enjoy the time and referee. Tuck, you kept playing in your crib, while Ving and Hunter built with your new blocks. Eventually I sat in the double rocker and started reading the Christian nursery rhyme book to you. All you had been singing lately was “one two buckle my shoe” the entire week, and I was getting a little sick of it as it doesn’t make much sense. I was hoping to find a better version of it! You climbed up on my lap for most of the book. We read about 30 minutes. It was wonderful. I played with your hair lots! I had never been through the entire book before. We skipped some. Your favorite was “Humpty Dumpy sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Humpty Dumpty shouted AMEN, GOD can put me together again.” Every time I turned the page, your kept saying “Humpty Dumpty, Humpty Dumpty”! So I would alternate one new one with the Humpty Dumpty. We had never said Humpty Dumpty ever before, just this special night. After the fun time going through the book, we sang songs. Everyone got to pick the songs they wanted to sing. We all sang very loud, and didn’t have daddy to play guitar for us, but it was still fun. I think you picked “Jesus Loves Me”, “Twinkle Twinkle” (we did the book version), “Amazing Grace” and “I Can Only Imagine”. Hunter picked “Peace Like a River” (How Great Thou Art), and I think Ving picked “Power In The Blood” and “I’ll Fly Away”. It was a nice time. I don’t think we ever spent that much time in your room like that before at bedtime. Tuck, you did some of your letters and sounds, and played with a train too. I wish I could remember what other books we read. You rocked in my lap during this time with binky and taggie. I can remember your diaper change, skin color, temperature, and your hair. You didn’t want to climb into your crib, (you never did), but listened to mom as your heart desired to. “Yes mom”, you said with your Tucker accent. We did our Tuck-ins, closed up, put on the hymns on the ipod, and said our prayers. I would always ask God out loud to heal your brain and diseases, keep you safe, for you to ask Jesus in your heart at an early age, and for you to love God and serve Him all your days. Them we sang our song “Good night Tucker, Good night Tucker, Good night Tucker, It’s time to say good night. I love you Tucker.” Then three blown kisses from the door. I did hear you crying and I went back in. You wanted to be tucked in again, which I did. Then you cried for me to Tuck you in again, and I said no; I couldn’t play that game, and I shut the door. I went back into your room about one hour later to get both Hunter and your clothes out for the next day trip to the play, “Beauty and the Beast”. You were sleeping peacefully on your back, with your precious head and face looking at the door. That’s the last time I saw you before you saw Jesus.”

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At five o’clock last night,  I moved wrong and hurt my back.  Not like a little ouch …  but a crying, screaming, incapacitated nerve pain ouch.  Irv’s had to help me move.  I took some medication and went to bed at 10pm.  I slept wonderfully. (Thank you for your prayers).   While lying on the floor on ice packs last night, I had some wonderful snuggles and book reading time with the Littles.  I read the Christian Nursery Rhyme book for the first time since I last read it to Tuck the night he died.   I had fun, but my audience wasn’t impressed.   Tucker and my favorite remains…

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Humpty Dumpty shouted Amen!

God can put me together again.

The intense back pain has put some distraction on yesterday and today.  I am slowed down, lying on floor on ice.  I cry when I move and Irv has to help me.   I’ve chatted with the Lord much, and am thankful to not live in chronic physical pain.

I  haven’t really submerged myself in grief.     We are kinda to a point that we can close the intense door and open it, when convenient.   I also know from experience that it isn’t always on the exact day we plan or expect.

As I pondered my last post, I wanted to state that I wasn’t writing with any expectations.  I don’t expect people to remember or do stuff for us… esp at this point, four years out.   I was just expressing thoughts…

Thanks friends for loving me, Tucker, and sharing your hearts and love with our family at this time.  Thanks for the calls, notes, flowers and prayer!   We heart you…

Off to watch some videos as a family, cry, ice, celebrate and remember….

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