uglies… and feeling chaos
I have been ignoring you, please forgive me.
As I teach my kids, when apologizing, we should admit our wrongs…
“I was wrong for __________, please forgive me.”
I do apologize for ignoring you, but I don’t think it was a “wrong”.
You see, my uglies have been coming out.
Like, in a really bad way.
Therefore, I’ve been trying to not infect too many people.
We all have our uglies. They rear their ugly head and require the taming of the Holy Spirit.
Last week while driving, K-LOVE spoke Psalm 19:14 and it pierced my soul.
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
I continue to parked on this verse. It convicts me, and speaks pause and shut-up to my spazzing response to the chaos surrounding me. He is my strength and Redeemer.
While I purpose to guard my words, I’ve really been struggling with the meditations of my heart and my thoughts. They just get going and going, and then the emotions and words seem to be a ticking-time-bomb, erupting without warning. Sin, sin, sin.
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 10:19
I am processing my emotions and asking the Lord to give me insight and wisdom. I acknowledged the emotion of anger a lot today, and was struggling to decide whom I should be angry at. Like, it must be towards someone, right? I debated my options of whom.
The heaviness of the chaos, change, and impending stress pressed down upon me. I sat in my recliner, and felt a physical weight of the burden, as if I couldn’t get out of my chair. On the verge of cracking. I knew I couldn’t go one more second without pouring it all out to Jesus and filing up with the peace that only God can provide.
In grief, I’ve learned the power of pouring it all out at the foot of the cross, being real. Practicing the acts of praise and thanksgiving, regardless of my circumstances. Making the list of all I have to be thankful for. Speaking truth to myself of God, His sovereignty, and His plans for me. Singing. I first learned this lesson, curled in a ball, sitting on my closet floor. When all I could see was my toilet and sink… “Thank-you God for water and a toilet. And for clothes….and my other kids….and….” Yup, as simple as that. The power of thanksgiving changes our perspective. Reminding myself of who I am and who God is.
Today, my sweet time with Jesus changed my perspective and enabled me to “do” the tasks before me.
I was filled and tamed by the Holy Spirit.
I confess, I needed a refill soon after. My uglies came out repeatedly. By evening, I wanted to go to sleep, for.a.very.long.time! Funny, now I am up at 2am unable to sleep.
Off to go pour out and fill up some more. Sing. Praise. Practice thankfulness.
Goodnight sweet friends. With my lack of posts this month, I didn’t want you to worry about me.
No worries, just feeling chaos and a bad case of the uglies. Trying not to share the germs, being contagious and all.
Grateful for your prayers…
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Comments
absolutely understand…nothing new under the sun…nothing that is not common to man…it is officially called ‘the flesh’, one of our 3 enemies “the world, the flesh and the devil”, an unholy trinity.
Your nickname ‘the uglies’ is very apt.
your strategy of pouring out, counting blessings, being thankful, speaking positively, etc are all EXCELLENT. Don’t forget the weapons mentioned in Ephesians. They are good to go over in our minds when our favorite strategies aren’t working. What’s missing? and, having done all, STAND…and watch God working on our behalf…remembering we have a defeated adversary and a living. active advocate.
Loving you Darci – persevere,
“throw off evrything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart…endure hardship as discipline…submit to the Father of our spirits and live!…it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it…strengthen your feeble arms and weak kness. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather HEALED…hallelujah. Hebrews 12
your sister in the WAY…Herma
Posted by: Herma | January 27th, 2010 13:39
Thanks for being so open about it all!
Posted by: tara | January 27th, 2010 22:03
We all have those days- sometimes a week at at time! I love Psalm 94:18-19 “When I said my foot is slipping, your love O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Also, Psalm 143:8 “let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.”
…just said a prayer for you.
-Misty
P.S. Chocolate doesn’t hurt either!
Posted by: Misty | January 29th, 2010 02:14
You sound like me. My ’snapping’ sometimes is soo ugly
I really needed to hear this, thank you.
Posted by: Rebecca | January 29th, 2010 03:45