homegrowing

I found a treasure last spring…

While visiting Tuck’s grave-site one spring Sunday, last year, I noticed something  poking up out of the dead plants.  The snow had melted and spring was arriving.   I believe God preserved it for me to read, in His perfect timing.

2.8.09

Dear Tucker,

We haven’t forgotten you and your precious life, and we never will.  We miss you greatly and wish so much that you were here with us.  But we know God has a perfect plan for your life and we know that you had a tremendous positive impact on others while you were here.  We’re really praying for your family this day cause they miss you terribly.

Say hi to Jesus for us and we can’t wait to see you again soon.

We love you!

Lots of love,

Your friends

This note blessed my heart.  The words were sweet, but the act of kindness and remembrance were what resonated with my being.

As the years pass, people forget.   We will never forget.  Close family, friends, and loved ones have already forgotten the dates and rarely speak his name.  I’m not pointing fingers here.  Honestly, I don’t remember others death-dates either.   It’s just the way grief goes, I suppose.

I don’t know who wrote this note, but I have an idea.   I’ve learned in grief that some journey with you and do their best to submerge themselves into your pain and live it out, with you.   They’ve cried with me and for me, even when I have no tears.  There have been many times I’ve received calls or words, accompanied by tears of friends.  I listen and am blessed by their love, but think to myself, “hey I should be the one crying!”   I’m thankful for these dear souls who have journeyed with me.  Grief is ugly, and the ones who journey with you IN it, are gifts from God.

I received this prayer email today, from a sweet friend who never met Tucker….

You have been on my heart every day! This February may be one of the toughest missing Tucker Februaries yet, but God is tougher than your incredible pain. He promises not to leave you, and He has Tucker right by Jesus. You will be together again. I have your back.
Lord Jesus, I feel only the tiniest twinge of the overwhelming hurt that Darci does. Please lift the burden of pain from her shoulders and reveal again how You want to carry the pain and Darci through this time. Please light up her home with Your great peace right now! Help her to rest. Please give her sweet sleep. Peace, Lord, please give my friend a picture of Tucker with YOU and her together-snuggling together in the spirit world. A precious dream of Tucker I ask for Darci! She is such a princess of love, joy, and faith. You promise to reward those who honor YOU. Thank you for proving that verse through Darci and Irv’s life in You. May the children surrounding Darci be used by YOU as instruments of great hope and peace today. Oh, Jesus I love this friend so much. Not for what she does, but for WHO she is! I leave her in Your embrace. Thank You Jesus for crying, for praying, and for loving us. In Jesus name, amen

These are merely two treasures, amongst many that have blessed me on my grief journey.  I share them with you today as they are fresh in mind, and I am remembering my countless stretcher-bearers with thankfulness.

Stretcher-bearers ….  noun,  a person who helps carry a stretcher, esp. in military combat.

Traumatic, unexpected, death of child creates a deep wound.  Grief is horrible.   Jesus provides healing, my ultimate stretcher-bearer.   My stretcher-bearers in the flesh, have also carried me wounded, when I couldn’t help myself.    They’ve met my needs by being God’s servants, in the flesh, to our family.   Many prayer warriors I won’t meet until Heaven.   I am eternally grateful to all.    Some, still linger about.

People will call me for advice of how to minister to others in grief.   Here’s my random reflections…

• Don’t ask them to call you when they need help, or if there is ever anything they need, to ask.  They do not know what they need, nor do they care.   They can only feel their pain.   Take your own action.  Pray for God’s leading and act.   Do something.
• Safe in the Arms of God, by John McArthur , Experiencing Grief, by Norman Wright, and music Beauty Will Rise by Steven Curtis Chapman are excellent resources.  I used the music and books that were given to me over the first few months.   I found it difficult to read my Bible alone, and devotionals that helped me work through my emotions and focus on scripture were excellent starters… The One Year Book of Hope was my favorite.
• Meals, meals, meals.  It made us pause to receive meals from strangers, but we accepted them as from God Himself.
• Childcare, childcare, childcare.   Grief is exhausting!  I was blessed to have people come play with the big boys so I could take a nap, go to the cemetery,  spend time with God, or even have a date with Irv.
• Remember.   Mark out your calender for the next 5 years.  Monthly anniversaries (for the first year), holidays, birthdays, and any significant event that they would have enjoyed taking their loved one to.
• As years pass, try to remember to not forget.  Sounds funny, but it is exactly what I mean.   For example, someone might talk about their son turning 6, when Tucker would be also.  The stress of the party, I can’t believe they are six, etc.  It is obvious they don’t remember, as they would never purposely choose to  hurt my heart.  But I wish they did remember, because it does hurt my heart.  I don’t forget that he isn’t here.  I don’t forget that I’m not making him a birthday cake each year, nor do I forget the wonderful stress  a birthday party would be.
• Include their name and place in the family.  When someone says I have 5 kids, I don’t like that.  (Another post on that!)  I have six kids.    It’s wonderful to hear other people say his name, don’t think you’ll be bringing up pain to say their loved one’s name… they think it every day…. sometimes every second.    Eden Grace’s baby shower cake had five big brothers on it …. that was special.  She does have five big brothers, and she always will.
• “Hi, Jesus sent me”… she spoke as I opened the door at 9am.   An old family friend I hadn’t seen in years.   At first I was a bit taken back, but as she left, I agreed that indeed, Jesus had sent her.   When God prompts you to do something, even if it seems ridiculous or silly, DO IT!
• To-do’s… home maintenance, laundry, oil changes, grocery shopping, window washing, pest control, doctor appointments, spring cleaning, etc.  If you have it on your to-do list at your house, chances are they do to… but they won’t be functioning well enough to accomplish it.   You can double duty some of your own tasks to help keep them up to date…

Okay, that’s all for tonight.  Thanks for loving me and listening!

May you bless those grieving in your mission-field this week.   They are everywhere!   Be a stretcher-bearer, God’s servant, and ask Jesus to send you to someone…. He will.

Sweet treasure blessings to you….

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