I am still processing this day. So, let’s see where this post goes…. thanks for joining me.
Today was a long day. I actually feel as if it began Friday morning. “They” say grief attacks are just that, attacks. Unexpected and unplanned. Friday morning, standing at my kitchen counter, after many months attack-free, it hit. I was attacked. A big, blubbering 9+month pregnant ball of hormones, I peered through the tears attempting to test my gestational diabetes blood glucose and take my insulin. Initially, Irv tried to discuss my sputterings, but then he just hugged me. My knight in shinning armor.
The weekend was scheduled busy. I was overwhelmed by my emotions, but also the to-dos. Packed with cleaning, a house showing, Friday lessons, piano, project day, baseball, basketball, flag football, volunteer opportunity for Hunter with the blind and visually impaired at gymnastics, hosting Bible study, honoring our own Mother’s this weekend and the Sabbath.
A special Sabbath, one like I have never lived before – Mother’s Day and my sweet, deceased, precious son Tucker’s sixth birthday. Expectations filled my mind of how to celebrate Tuck’s birthday… stay home and see nobody, visit the playground at the Ronald McDonald House that was donated in his memory by Bears Playground Equipment, planting flowers at the cemetery, cupcakes, balloon releasing, videos, looking at scrapbooks, tears, memories, and laughter???? We had to fit it all in. Where has three years gone? We would be celebrating more dead birthdays (3) than live birthdays (2) this weekend!
“In all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths” Proverbs 3:5-6. The LORD is faithful, and did just that. “Cleavage-tears” came down. “Help me Jesus prayers”, went up. Our plans were directed.
As I reflect on the weekend I am blessed. It was wonderful. Acknowledging that tears are a good thing, it was great. Often, time slips by and I wonder where my emotions are. Am I just numb to everything around me? I’ve found that grief attacks, when they pass, leave a feeling of refreshment. They remind me that I do feel (rather intensely actually), that I haven’t forgotten, and that this is my life and it really did happen – TO ME and my family. It isn’t my imagination.
Many tears were shed, and it didn’t take much to turn on the flow. I cried just because, I cried because I don’t know, I cried because we were late to project day, I cried myself into a Friday afternoon nap, and I cried to the lady at the garage sale!
The Lord directed our paths as our schedule was smoothed out. Rest, reflection, and remembering were priorities. Activities were canceled and attended. The babies naps were ordained from Above! Thanks to those who stepped in to bless our family with cleaning help before our house showing, babysitting, cupcake making, calls, emails and loving us! Bible study was hosted elsewhere, and I went to bed at 7:30 PM on Saturday!
I awoke today with the sunrise glistening through my bedroom window. Ahhh…blessed. Sounds of Tucker’s memory videos were radiating from the living room, as Irv and Zaiah cried and danced along. I joined them.
We did family-church today at home. Irv made us all breakfast. He then proceeded to work on updating my blog as my Mother’s Day Gift. I have not blogged in six months! (I felt directed to stop blogging for a season.) Irv was so patient with me, as I am kinda annoying with getting the ideas in my brain onto the screen, if you know what I mean? I am so grateful and blessed! Isn’t it pretty? (I love it, and thanks honey!) It is a reflection of my heart. I pray it glorifies the Lord, encourages you, records Salisbury memories, and I am excited to actually write down all these blog posts I have bouncing around in my head!
I found this email below in my inbox this AM from my dear hubby. I am blessed by the video he made last night, and had to share.
“The Building 429 song, “Always” has really touched my heart this year. One of the first verses says “He would have been 3 today. I miss his smile, I miss his face”‘ Well, if you replace 3 with 6, then it really sums up my feelings tonight, as Tucker would turn 6 tomorrow.
If you go to Tucker’s main site: http://tuckersalisbury.com/ Click on the “Always Video” link, you’ll see the new video.
I really miss my little guy and every time I watch the part where it says “I miss his smile I miss his face” it really hits home.
But, as the song says, “I believe always, always, our Savior never fails. Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and his promise remains, He will be with you, always…”
Nice, huh? Back to today. Much computer time sitting alongside Irv, I ordered one of those fun family stickers for our van, played with the babies, took a bath, rested, talked to my Mom vacationing in NV, went to Bill Gray’s for dinner, and had a memory celebration at the cemetery with Irv’s parents joining in.
I am glad my emotions were spread out since Friday. I am thankful for feeling. As the weekend comes to an end, I can honestly say it was a blessing and privilege to share Mother’s Day with Tucker’s birthday. My heart is greatly impressed, more than ever before, that I am sooooooo blessed to be Tucker’s mommy. Despite the pain my heart experiences from his unexpected death, it doesn’t overpower or outweigh the blessing I have been given to be his mommy and the gift he is to me from the Lord. I am so thankful he grew inside my body, I gave birth to him, nursed him, loved on him, and cherished him. Selfishly, I wish I could rock and hug him, tuck him into bed tonight, and close with our special song and a kiss… I’d never let go. But truly, I don’t wish for him to ever not be in Heaven, not in God’s perfect plan and will for his big- little life.
My God is faithful.
As much as I want to meet her soon, I am thankful baby Eden Grace wasn’t born today.
I close with two verses my heart has been clinging to these days:
“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 (NLT)
” For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT)
Enjoy the pics…. Tucker’s Sixth Birthday on Mother’s Day….