homegrowing

I close this month of February with this beautiful photo of Tucker still in my belly.  This was taken the day of his birth.

Our family’s hands mark time, as we embrace his soon arrival.

Oh, I remember the day… I met my not-so-little, 9.5#, red-ish head baby boy…. love!

This photo gets me thinking about the womb.  A safe place.  Nurturing at it’s design.

Psalm 139 speaks of the womb, and helped me much in grief.    I love it.

God knitted Tucker together in my womb,  he was fearfully and wonderfully made, a wonderful work of God.  God knew every detail of Tuck’s being.   God knew every day that Tuck would live, as Tuck’s day were ordained for him before any of them came to be.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

As we’ve learned to trust God through the valley of death…..

……………we live with no regrets as we trust Him with life.

We are….

blessed….

and…..

well……..

kinda…

sorta….

actually….

really….

Salisbaby 7, Lord-willing, is expected to arrive (maybe in a min-van near you)… early October, 2010…

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Psalm 127

¹Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

²It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.

³Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

⁴As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.

⁵Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

Hi baby girl… our little, sweet, pink, princess.

This note is long, but I want to collect my pregnant thoughts and experiences for you.

You are moving much inside me as I type!   I didn’t feel you move until closer to 20 weeks, due to an anterior placenta blocking the feeling, and then you remained fairly quiet.  However, this past month, you get the award for the most active Salisbaby yet!

I can’t believe we will get to meet, face to face soon.  I am so excited.  I am 38w4d pregnant.   My must-do list is completed, and I’m on to the like-to-do list.   Writing a note to you was the first priority on that one.

You have a beautiful and loving family awaiting your birth. A wonderful daddy who runs our Salisbury Castle, and five big brothers!  How awesome for you.  Let me introduce them to you:

Dad: Daddy has a big heart full of love.  He is sensitive, kind, and gentle.   He is a great snuggler, provider, and protector.  You are going to just love him too much, and I’m sure have him wrapped around your finger.

Ving:  your oldest brother is 9.  He says… “Just so you know, you might be sad because you are going to be the only girl in our house.  Mom is a girl too, but she’s an adult.  Please don’t touch my stuff. I can’t wait to meet you.”

Hunter: is 7.5.   I’ve been telling him all school year that you would coming in May.  He is starting to get impatient!  He is so excited.  He often notices my discomfort and runs to help, and is very sensitive.  He is the one that prayed for you to be conceived!

Tucker, died when he was 2.75, and he moved to Heaven.  He would be 6 now, and he is still a part of our family story everyday.  I pray you enjoy his memories much.

Isaac is 2.75.  Yesterday as I was helping him put on his shoes, he said to me, “Mom, you can’t bend over? Baby Eden in there?  She’s come out soon.  I hug her and kiss her.  I love her!”  I was delighted to hear his endearment of you.  At Christmas I showed him the ultrasound picture, explaining it was a picture of the baby in my belly, and I placed the photo over my belly.  He responded …. “DARK. BIG. SCARY. MONSTER.”  We have had much laughing over that one.  He repeated to say this every time he saw the photo hanging in the kitchen.  Too funny.

Isaiah is 17 months.  He is in for the biggest surprise, as he thinks I am growing a big huge ball for him to play with.   Many times throughout the day, he lifts my shirt, demanding to see his ball under there.   He will be dethroned from being the baby of the family, and get a little sister.  I do plan to give him a wrapped gift from you at the hospital… a ball of course!

As for me, I love being a mom of boys.  I haven’t been a mommy with a broken heart to have a daughter.  I never payed any attention to the girlie stuff  (well, I noticed a ruffle butt once).    People would ask me that all the time… “Are you going to keep trying until you have a girl?”    I have often pictured myself as a mom of  10 boys!  Yet, I always would respond to askers, “I can’t imagine myself old and not having a daughter!”

The Lord taught me when Tucker died, that it is not luck or coincidence what sex babies you end up with.  In the Bible, all of Job’s children died.  Then the Lord restored unto Him above and beyond what he had lost… and he gave him the exact number and same sex of children as he had before.   You see, I had hoped the baby I was carrying when Tucker died wouldn’t be a boy, as I missed my Tucker boy soooo much.  But, the Lord put this truth in my heart, sweet Isaac was exactly what we needed, and now I am content for His perfect plans for our family in this area.

After baby boy #5, I did have a heart question for the Lord.  “Lord, is there a reason I am not being given any girl babies?  Would I not be a good example to them?”.  I prayed for my strong will, submission issues, health, and mothering to please the Lord.   My questions and prayers grew into a desire for a baby girl.  I began praying to have a girl baby… you.   I actually prayed for 2 girl babies, so you could have each other.

In late August, Hunter (he is known as our baby pray-er) began praying for another baby for “us and the Seckers”.   Within a month, you were growing in my belly.  Thank you Jesus for the miracle and gift of life!

This was my most difficult first trimester ever (Tucker’s takes a second place with the headaches).  I did have the spotting & cramping, and the doctors followed it with serial HCG’s and ultrasounds.   Just a reminder of how NOT in control I am with life!   I was very nauseated, but also had stiff neck and headaches.  I felt best when laying flat, but when I stood up, my head throbbed as if I had the flu.  Mostly week 7-13 I felt like I had the flu bug.  I wondered if the illness was due to stopping nursing Isaiah the week before I got pregnant, but now I just chalk it up to your girlie hormones!

This soon passed.   By week 16 my gestational diabetes kicked in, and I began taking insulin.   I take a lot now – 30U NPH bedtime and 20U reg with meals/snacks – about 6 shots a day.  I pray my health can be restored after birth and I can focus on that much.  I’ve been wearing a pelvic brace to help with stability and the separation of my pubic symphisis since around 24 weeks.  I am thankful for the minimal sciatic nerve pain, but I still often use my “butt ice” at the end of the day!  Pelvic prolapse and varicosities are more prominent with #6 as well.   The night time leg cramps are the worst this time around, but increasing my calcium and relaxation techniques have helped.   I also had severe anemia around 18 weeks with a hemoglobin of 8 (under 12 is low), and since loading up on iron & colace I’ve improved much (no more fainting or stars)!   I have mostly been sleeping and napping wonderfully, praise!

When people ask how I feel with #6,  I hesitate to repeat any of the above info.   When asked, I purpose to share my heart cry,  “I am so grateful to carry life with in my womb, I am blessed!  But I definitely don’t feel like I did with baby #1.”   (No use complaining!)

As I said, I was honestly heart-desiring a girl.  But I admit,  I was prepared for a boy.  We only have boys, so I expected to have a boy.   Daddy and I talked about names, and  I liked Judah Honor and Eden for a girl.   But really, nothing was set in stone.  (My inside Bible cover reads…  Boy ideas:  judah, jakin, levi, malaki, boaz, zion, micah.   Girl ideas: eden, selah, evelyn, with middle names grace, joy, faith, prayse.)

Our anatomic ultrasound, where you can find out the sex of the baby wasn’t until mid-January.   I soooo wanted to find out what you were, so we could send out our surprise Christmas card.    Maria, the sonographer at the doctor office, so kindly agreed to let me come in just before Christmas.   It was very exciting!  Daddy and I went together, and she typed on the screen “I’m a G-I-R-L”!  I started to cry!  Daddy seemed nervous excited.   Over the next few days we both had wavering emotions…. we took turns with tearful excitement and mourning our “we are a boy family” identity.

At our 20 week ultrasound, the doctors noticed a problem with your kidneys. One was small and one was large.  We had repeat ultrasounds.  We are grateful to report that all looks normal now.  Thank you Jesus for answered prayer and healing!

Here is our snippet from our Christmas Website, GOING PINK:

“We can’t believe it either!   Yes, after 5 boys, we have been told to paint her bedroom pink!   We are so blessed and excited to welcome another Salisbury.  Sometime in May, 2009, Lord willing, Darci will no  longer be the only female residing in our home!   We really have learned “boy”, so please pray for us as we venture into “girl” territory!  (It is weird to even say that “g” word!)

Eden, (our current name for Salisbaby6) will join our family sometime in May (Lord willing – please pray for her health and safety).  She’ll be joining 5 other boys, so please join us in praying that we find the balance of testosterone and estrogen, the masculine and feminine, the gentlemen and the lady, etc.  This really is a “boy house”.   We have already began noticing certain behaviors and manners that may need to be adjusted around here with adding a little princess to the mix!”

It didn’t take long to settle on the name Eden.  Mommy has liked it for a while, and Daddy has a passion for Genesis and apologetics.   What a beautiful, perfect place the Lord created, the Garden of Eden…. paradise.

Eden is derived from the Hebrew word  ‘?dhen, DELIGHT.   (Also meaning delightful,  adornment, paradise, pleasure).   We are delighted to have you as a gift to our family from the Lord.   It is my prayer that you will always delight in the Lord and His Word, and know that the LORD delights in you. You were made for His good pleasure.  You don’t have to do anything to be loved by Him, He loves and delights in you as His creation,  just the way He made you.   You are princess to Him, the King of Kings!

I have been calling you ‘Eden Grace’ as one name.  We will see where that goes when you arrive.  I kinda like them together, and yes I know it is a southern thing!

At first, I desired your middle name to be FAITH, as I feel I have lived by faith these past years.  I’ve had faith to sustain Tucker’s death in the Lord’s strength,  trusted my womb to the Lord in faith, and with our home for sale this past year, leaving many uncertainties for our future – FAITH seemed perfect!

Daddy preferred Grace the entire pregnancy, and Grace it is.   I love it!  It goes so well with Eden.  God made paradise, man sinned, and the Grace of God, is His unmerited favor upon us, was His response to our sin.   He is our Savior, because of His Grace.  I pray you will always know these truths in your heart:  You are a delight.  You are delighted in.  God’s Grace covers you and frees you of your sinful nature, because of Jesus the Christ, and His Grace upon you at the Cross.   I love your name!

Eden Grace, mommy loves you.  I am very attached to you already.  This usually doesn’t happen to me until I meet my babies face to face.  I think I’ve had to think about the specifics of preparing for you and raising you, as it is different than the boys.  I’ve prayed for hand-me-downs and been blessed with many.  It has been fun to make up outfits, sort through them, and prepare for you!  My dear friends held a baby shower for us, and it was amazing!  I was overwhelmed with love.    Your brothers have occupied the two bedrooms, so I’ve turned my armoire in my bedroom into your personal area.   I’ve kinda subconsciously boycotted denim and all pants…. dresses, dresses, dresses!   I’ve had a blast filling baskets with bows, ribbons, socks, shoes, pink binkies, tights, leggings, butt covers, bloomers, and oh so much pink!

Our hospital bags are packed.  Today I am resting and fighting a GI bug of stomach ache and diarrhea.  I pray it passes soon.  In the days ahead, I will focus on resting and relaxing,  puttering at the like-to-dos around the house, and praying about the details of your arrival.

Loving you tons,
Mommy

Today, May 20th has had a special place on our family calender. It is Dad White’s 57th birthday – Happy Birthday Dad!   Today is also the last day anything official was allowed to be scheduled before Eden’s arrival.

In my world of planning, I had intended to drink Castor oil tomorrow. Using my latest possible due date of June 4th, tomorrow marks the  38 weeks mark of this pregnancy.    I planned t  drink the Castor oil concoction, go into labor, and birth this baby tomorrow.   Planned. Scheduled. Controlled.

Sorry, I must interrupt this post.  I just took an hour+ blogging hiatus to scour through baby books and past hospital stat sheets.  I recently realized that I was incorrect in my memory of one child’s birth stats, and I wondered how accurate my memories were for the others.  I am shocked, to see that my babies have not all been born at 38 weeks as I’d like to believe.    Ving was born at  36w6d via c-section, and the others were  born at 40w2d, 39w3d, 38w2d, and 38w0d!  Most importantly to note, NONE of them were going into labor on my own.  ALL were augmented via Castor oil and artificial rupture of membranes (ROM).

Below is the recorded data I have just gathered.  Feel free to skip over these 5 paragraphs, unless you like fun birth story details! I am posting them here for my own memory and reflection…

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My first birth, after 20 weeks of medicated bed rest due to preterm labor, ended in a scheduled C-section due to breech positioning at 36 weeks, 6 days. The c-section was done earlier at 36 weeks because the baby’s heart rate continued to perform poorly on multiple NST’s.   At the time of surgery, a rare and lethal placenta condition, vasa previa, was discovered. In hindsight, God’s provision was to position the baby breech: to avoid vaginal birth and the fatalities that usually arise with vasa previa. Thank you Jesus for Ving! He was born on May 3rd, 2000, at 10:46am,  weighing in at 6#, 10oz, and 18 inches long.

Eighteen months later, I gave birth to Hunter Richard.  Seeing this birth was only 18 months following, I was a high-risk category for a VBAC. My doctor would not do induction against my “surgical” uterus, and especially with a closed cervix.  I also did not dilate AT ALL.  A c-section was scheduled, and I canceled it.  Many prayers were offered up, pleading for the Lord to orchestrate a vaginal birth.   A second c-section was scheduled and many more prayers.  At 40 weeks and 2 days,  the day before my c-section date, and for the second night in a row, I drank Castor oil.  I  awoke at 4am with cramps and bleeding. We rushed to the hospital, as the doctors were worried something happened with my uterus. I was prepared for surgery, but the anesthesiologist was not happy I had eaten Lucky Charms (at 4:15am). The baby was “happy”, so he desired I wait a little while to digest my food. When the OB checked my cervix, I had dilated for the first time in my life, to 3 cm! She decided to give me pitocin , an epidural (so I’d be ready for surgery if needed), and a trial of labor!  A true-knot in the umbilical cord made a scary delivery, low heart rate, and vacuum extraction. The Lord answered our prayers… after 2 hours of pushing, Hunter was born VBAC at 2:40 that afternoon, weighing 7#11.8oz, and 20 inches long.

Eighteen months later, at 39 weeks and 3 days, Tucker White was born! This time around, my cervix was dilated to 3 cm at 35 weeks. I walked around for 4+ weeks thinking labor would start “any moment” – HA!  In a controlled and planned fashion, I met the doctor at the hospital when she was on-call around 5:15pm, received my epidural, she broke my water, and gave me pitocin. Labor was complicated by my uterus’s response to the pitocin. It did not like it, caused it to have sustained tetanic contractions, requiring shots to reverse it, so the baby could receive oxygen. This occurred three times.  8 1/2 hours later, after 40 minutes of pushing, Tucker was born at 1:37am, May 10th, 2006.   He weighed 9#5oz, and was 20.5 inches long.

Three years later, amidst much grief and heartache following Tucker’s death, we were blessed with the treasure of Isaac Tucker on July 25th, 2006. At 38 weeks and 2 days gestation, knowing my doctor was at the hospital on-call, I drank Castor oil, and arrived at the hospital 4 cm dilated. She ruptured my membranes at 9:40pm, I pushed for 5 minutes, and Isaac was born at 11:20pm. The entire birth experience after the ROM was 1 hour, 40 minutes long! Or, short!  Unlike the rest of my deliveries, my uterus worked all by itself and I didn’t have to have pitocin. No stitches either! Isaac weighed 8#2oz and was 21.5 inches long.

Fifteen months later, on December 4th, 2007, at 38 weeks, Isaiah White arrived. Again, since my doctor was on call at the hospital, I drank Castor oil 5tbsp at noon, and then 2 tbsp at 4pm. Irv and I went out on a date, and at 7:11 pm I called my mom to tell her I didn’t think I was going to have this baby today. Irv and I went to the YMCA to walk. We didn’t walk long, as I arrived to the hospital check in at 8:04, at 5cm with bulging membranes. They came to start my epidural at 8:53, gave me a little nubain, my epidural was in place at 9:07, at which time I was 10 cm and the Dr broke my water. Zaiah was born seven minutes later at 9:14. The cord was around his neck 3 times, and he was posterior – sunny side up. I held him for about 40 seconds, and they took him away to special care due to continued grunting (instead of breathing). X-rays revealed a pneumothorax, a hole in his lung.  He was in special care nursery for 48 hours.   He weighed in at 6#,12oz and 19 inches long.

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These stats are  important for me to remember,  as Irv and I have been praying for a different labor experience this time around with #6.  We desire to go natural.   Natural, defined as not doing anything to cause contractions, start labor, nor purposeful medical interventions.  I desire to trust the LORD with HIS perfect timing and that HE made my body to do THIS.

Our new approach to birth is precipitated by the sheer fact that I have emerged from my past labor experiences feeling like “a failure at the sport of labor”.    I believe, if I can mountain climb Angel’s Landing at Zion National Park,  succeed in athletics, graduate college, cling to Jesus in grief, and be blessed to raise five boys… I can strive and pray for a different birth experience this time around.

I have prayed and assessed my emotions and the facts surrounding my past births, and have made a few conclusions.

1)  Fear and anxiety have entered my birth experiences for the last two babies.  I know they arose  following Tucker’s death and my fears of burying another child.    I never realized nor battled these emotions until this pregnancy.

2)  I scream.   The past two babies I curled into a ball and screamed the entire time with my eyes closed.  I’ve been practicing my deep breathing /  moaning, and not high pitch sheer screams.

3) I get tense and don’t relax.  Eventually all my muscles cramp up due to their lack of oxygen from my tension and screaming.  Thus, causing more pain.   I’ve been working on my relaxation techniques and reading some books (Bradley Method, etc).

4)  The past two babies were rapid births.  Under 2 hours.  I felt weighted down, not able to cope, nor get “on-top” of the pain. Out of control.   Perhaps if I hadn’t jump started my labors with interventions my body would have coped better and more gradual?

5) I believe expectations have contributed to feeling like a failure.  I delivered about 30 babies in my medical training as a PA, and have seen a variety of women’s reactions to birth.  Perhaps without that exposure I would not know anything other than my own experiences?   I have determined to not compare my births with anyone else’s, nor my own prior births.

6)  Support.   I have hired a doula for the first time.   The Lord led me to multiple conversations surrounding doulas, and an internet search lead me to a lovely Christian, homeschooling mom of 5 in our area.  I look forward to anyway this relationship can bless my birth experience.

7) More expectations.   I cannot have expectations regarding the details and specific stat outcomes of my labor, as they are not in my control.  I do expect this birth to be different, but my expectation is that I will feel more prepared physically and equipped mentally do deal with however my body naturally responds to natural labor.    I pray this alone will bring successful feelings, despite the detailed specifics of how it all plays out,  and will not leave me “feeling like a failure at the sport of birth”.

My Birth Prayer Requests:

• Eden’s health and well being. Weekly  NST’s to continue to monitor her heart rate and my placenta’s sufficiency.
• Control of my diabetes and insulin shots.  Diabetes to be gone after birth.
• Continue to sleep well and feel rested.
• Lord’s perfect timing and birth date.
• Childcare for our other children.
• Labor begin naturally.  Preferable early in day so I am well rested at the start.
• My water to break.  I’ve never experienced that!
• Availability of wireless telemetry unit at hospital for me to use so I can go in the jacuzzi tub. (There is only one!)
• Labor to not be too fast, nor too slow.  For me to feel like I am experiencing it, and not being crushed by it.
• For me to be able to relax through my birth experience.
• Environment to be peaceful and nice.  Irv to be good support.  Wonderful Doula experience.  Viewer.  Photos.

Tonight, I am still 3cm+ and very crampy.  I am having weekly Non Stress Tests to watch how well my placenta is feeding the baby.  Just waiting on the Lord.

Oh, and just for the record….  My farthest out due date is June 4th.   If my bump is still growing after that, my doctor is on call June 5th, and  you will find me in the pharmacy section of Wegmans chugging that Castor oil!