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click here to watch Tucker’s piano playing on his last day… this video is a gift from Jesus to me…..

Excerpt from tuckersalisbury.com…..”Mommy had a very special last bedtime with you. It was so different than normal. Bedtime February 7th, from mommy’s perspective… I was home alone with you boys, and usually I do the fastest bedtime possible, as I am exhausted from the long day and night. This night was different. Though I wish we spent longer, we were in your bedroom playing for one hour. I don’t remember exactly how our night went, but I know around 7:00 all you boys were in your room playing with all the fun blocks you got for Christmas. I can remember a few days earlier thinking we hadn’t really played a lot with them yet. I joined the group to enjoy the time and referee. Tuck, you kept playing in your crib, while Ving and Hunter built with your new blocks. Eventually I sat in the double rocker and started reading the Christian nursery rhyme book to you. All you had been singing lately was “one two buckle my shoe” the entire week, and I was getting a little sick of it as it doesn’t make much sense. I was hoping to find a better version of it! You climbed up on my lap for most of the book. We read about 30 minutes. It was wonderful. I played with your hair lots! I had never been through the entire book before. We skipped some. Your favorite was “Humpty Dumpy sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Humpty Dumpty shouted AMEN, GOD can put me together again.” Every time I turned the page, your kept saying “Humpty Dumpty, Humpty Dumpty”! So I would alternate one new one with the Humpty Dumpty. We had never said Humpty Dumpty ever before, just this special night. After the fun time going through the book, we sang songs. Everyone got to pick the songs they wanted to sing. We all sang very loud, and didn’t have daddy to play guitar for us, but it was still fun. I think you picked “Jesus Loves Me”, “Twinkle Twinkle” (we did the book version), “Amazing Grace” and “I Can Only Imagine”. Hunter picked “Peace Like a River” (How Great Thou Art), and I think Ving picked “Power In The Blood” and “I’ll Fly Away”. It was a nice time. I don’t think we ever spent that much time in your room like that before at bedtime. Tuck, you did some of your letters and sounds, and played with a train too. I wish I could remember what other books we read. You rocked in my lap during this time with binky and taggie. I can remember your diaper change, skin color, temperature, and your hair. You didn’t want to climb into your crib, (you never did), but listened to mom as your heart desired to. “Yes mom”, you said with your Tucker accent. We did our Tuck-ins, closed up, put on the hymns on the ipod, and said our prayers. I would always ask God out loud to heal your brain and diseases, keep you safe, for you to ask Jesus in your heart at an early age, and for you to love God and serve Him all your days. Them we sang our song “Good night Tucker, Good night Tucker, Good night Tucker, It’s time to say good night. I love you Tucker.” Then three blown kisses from the door. I did hear you crying and I went back in. You wanted to be tucked in again, which I did. Then you cried for me to Tuck you in again, and I said no; I couldn’t play that game, and I shut the door. I went back into your room about one hour later to get both Hunter and your clothes out for the next day trip to the play, “Beauty and the Beast”. You were sleeping peacefully on your back, with your precious head and face looking at the door. That’s the last time I saw you before you saw Jesus.”

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At five o’clock last night,  I moved wrong and hurt my back.  Not like a little ouch …  but a crying, screaming, incapacitated nerve pain ouch.  Irv’s had to help me move.  I took some medication and went to bed at 10pm.  I slept wonderfully. (Thank you for your prayers).   While lying on the floor on ice packs last night, I had some wonderful snuggles and book reading time with the Littles.  I read the Christian Nursery Rhyme book for the first time since I last read it to Tuck the night he died.   I had fun, but my audience wasn’t impressed.   Tucker and my favorite remains…

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Humpty Dumpty shouted Amen!

God can put me together again.

The intense back pain has put some distraction on yesterday and today.  I am slowed down, lying on floor on ice.  I cry when I move and Irv has to help me.   I’ve chatted with the Lord much, and am thankful to not live in chronic physical pain.

I  haven’t really submerged myself in grief.     We are kinda to a point that we can close the intense door and open it, when convenient.   I also know from experience that it isn’t always on the exact day we plan or expect.

As I pondered my last post, I wanted to state that I wasn’t writing with any expectations.  I don’t expect people to remember or do stuff for us… esp at this point, four years out.   I was just expressing thoughts…

Thanks friends for loving me, Tucker, and sharing your hearts and love with our family at this time.  Thanks for the calls, notes, flowers and prayer!   We heart you…

Off to watch some videos as a family, cry, ice, celebrate and remember….

I found a treasure last spring…

While visiting Tuck’s grave-site one spring Sunday, last year, I noticed something  poking up out of the dead plants.  The snow had melted and spring was arriving.   I believe God preserved it for me to read, in His perfect timing.

2.8.09

Dear Tucker,

We haven’t forgotten you and your precious life, and we never will.  We miss you greatly and wish so much that you were here with us.  But we know God has a perfect plan for your life and we know that you had a tremendous positive impact on others while you were here.  We’re really praying for your family this day cause they miss you terribly.

Say hi to Jesus for us and we can’t wait to see you again soon.

We love you!

Lots of love,

Your friends

This note blessed my heart.  The words were sweet, but the act of kindness and remembrance were what resonated with my being.

As the years pass, people forget.   We will never forget.  Close family, friends, and loved ones have already forgotten the dates and rarely speak his name.  I’m not pointing fingers here.  Honestly, I don’t remember others death-dates either.   It’s just the way grief goes, I suppose.

I don’t know who wrote this note, but I have an idea.   I’ve learned in grief that some journey with you and do their best to submerge themselves into your pain and live it out, with you.   They’ve cried with me and for me, even when I have no tears.  There have been many times I’ve received calls or words, accompanied by tears of friends.  I listen and am blessed by their love, but think to myself, “hey I should be the one crying!”   I’m thankful for these dear souls who have journeyed with me.  Grief is ugly, and the ones who journey with you IN it, are gifts from God.

I received this prayer email today, from a sweet friend who never met Tucker….

You have been on my heart every day! This February may be one of the toughest missing Tucker Februaries yet, but God is tougher than your incredible pain. He promises not to leave you, and He has Tucker right by Jesus. You will be together again. I have your back.
Lord Jesus, I feel only the tiniest twinge of the overwhelming hurt that Darci does. Please lift the burden of pain from her shoulders and reveal again how You want to carry the pain and Darci through this time. Please light up her home with Your great peace right now! Help her to rest. Please give her sweet sleep. Peace, Lord, please give my friend a picture of Tucker with YOU and her together-snuggling together in the spirit world. A precious dream of Tucker I ask for Darci! She is such a princess of love, joy, and faith. You promise to reward those who honor YOU. Thank you for proving that verse through Darci and Irv’s life in You. May the children surrounding Darci be used by YOU as instruments of great hope and peace today. Oh, Jesus I love this friend so much. Not for what she does, but for WHO she is! I leave her in Your embrace. Thank You Jesus for crying, for praying, and for loving us. In Jesus name, amen

These are merely two treasures, amongst many that have blessed me on my grief journey.  I share them with you today as they are fresh in mind, and I am remembering my countless stretcher-bearers with thankfulness.

Stretcher-bearers ….  noun,  a person who helps carry a stretcher, esp. in military combat.

Traumatic, unexpected, death of child creates a deep wound.  Grief is horrible.   Jesus provides healing, my ultimate stretcher-bearer.   My stretcher-bearers in the flesh, have also carried me wounded, when I couldn’t help myself.    They’ve met my needs by being God’s servants, in the flesh, to our family.   Many prayer warriors I won’t meet until Heaven.   I am eternally grateful to all.    Some, still linger about.

People will call me for advice of how to minister to others in grief.   Here’s my random reflections…

• Don’t ask them to call you when they need help, or if there is ever anything they need, to ask.  They do not know what they need, nor do they care.   They can only feel their pain.   Take your own action.  Pray for God’s leading and act.   Do something.
• Safe in the Arms of God, by John McArthur , Experiencing Grief, by Norman Wright, and music Beauty Will Rise by Steven Curtis Chapman are excellent resources.  I used the music and books that were given to me over the first few months.   I found it difficult to read my Bible alone, and devotionals that helped me work through my emotions and focus on scripture were excellent starters… The One Year Book of Hope was my favorite.
• Meals, meals, meals.  It made us pause to receive meals from strangers, but we accepted them as from God Himself.
• Childcare, childcare, childcare.   Grief is exhausting!  I was blessed to have people come play with the big boys so I could take a nap, go to the cemetery,  spend time with God, or even have a date with Irv.
• Remember.   Mark out your calender for the next 5 years.  Monthly anniversaries (for the first year), holidays, birthdays, and any significant event that they would have enjoyed taking their loved one to.
• As years pass, try to remember to not forget.  Sounds funny, but it is exactly what I mean.   For example, someone might talk about their son turning 6, when Tucker would be also.  The stress of the party, I can’t believe they are six, etc.  It is obvious they don’t remember, as they would never purposely choose to  hurt my heart.  But I wish they did remember, because it does hurt my heart.  I don’t forget that he isn’t here.  I don’t forget that I’m not making him a birthday cake each year, nor do I forget the wonderful stress  a birthday party would be.
• Include their name and place in the family.  When someone says I have 5 kids, I don’t like that.  (Another post on that!)  I have six kids.    It’s wonderful to hear other people say his name, don’t think you’ll be bringing up pain to say their loved one’s name… they think it every day…. sometimes every second.    Eden Grace’s baby shower cake had five big brothers on it …. that was special.  She does have five big brothers, and she always will.
• “Hi, Jesus sent me”… she spoke as I opened the door at 9am.   An old family friend I hadn’t seen in years.   At first I was a bit taken back, but as she left, I agreed that indeed, Jesus had sent her.   When God prompts you to do something, even if it seems ridiculous or silly, DO IT!
• To-do’s… home maintenance, laundry, oil changes, grocery shopping, window washing, pest control, doctor appointments, spring cleaning, etc.  If you have it on your to-do list at your house, chances are they do to… but they won’t be functioning well enough to accomplish it.   You can double duty some of your own tasks to help keep them up to date…

Okay, that’s all for tonight.  Thanks for loving me and listening!

May you bless those grieving in your mission-field this week.   They are everywhere!   Be a stretcher-bearer, God’s servant, and ask Jesus to send you to someone…. He will.

Sweet treasure blessings to you….

The birthday song rang often in our home today.

“Happy 8 month birthday to you, happy 8 month birthday to you!  Happy 8 month birthday to, you, Eden Grace…. Happy 8 month birthday to you!”

We’ve set up a little gated mat in the corner of the living room.  The boys love to play in there too.  Note, Eden’s hand is holding onto a string that was once tied to the gate.  She is always holding tight to something… the sides of her changing table while I changer her diaper,  your shirt, your hair, her hair,  or her pacifier attach-er.  It seems to be a security and comforting behavior she has.  We think it’s cute.

Eden is feeding herself rapidly any food we present her.  I have another months supply of baby food coming in the mail tomorrow from diapers.com.  When these are gone, she will be on table food only.   She uses a sippy cup with formula, and doesn’t seem to miss mamas-milk when I am away.

She is crawling swiftly across the house.  She pulls herself up on objects, onto her knees while holding on or peering into the toy box.  I’m in no hurry for standing!   Tucker was my earliest walker at 9 months,  and I sense she won’t be far behind him.

She is a breath of fresh air.   Content and a delight.   When her binkie isn’t in place, she is cooing and singing.

Thank you Lord for the blessing of Eden Grace.  We just love her!

Note: If you are interested in ordering supplies from diapers.com, you are welcome to use my referral code DARC5015 to receive $10 off your first order of diapers over $49, with free shipping always.  (In full disclosure, I do receive a referral credit to my account as well.)  I have been using their service for over a year and am very happy.  Diapers, wipes, formula, puffs and baby essentials delivered to my door, with free shipping.  I can still use coupons, and the kids love all the big boxes.

It’s February.  Yeah, I know, January ended before it began.

But February.  Oh, stinky February.

It’s here again.

Already.

February 8th, will be 4 years.

It hurts to just type that.

Four.Years.

It doesn’t seem possible.

However,  the healing in my heart and the blessing of three more babies,  does help define the reality of time passing.

I received this video from a friend recently.

Desert Song has become my new favorite…

Click here to view the video of   Desert Song……

Title: Desert Song
Artist: Hillsong
Album: This Is Our God
Year: 2008

VERSE 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

VERSE 2:
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS:
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

VERSE 3:
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

BRIDGE:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

VERSE 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow

…. this month I will be reflecting on the beautiful life of Tucker and my grief journey.

All of my life.  In every season.  This season.  He still is God.  I have a reason to sing.  I have a reason to worship!

Today was an early morning, as my mind doesn’t have a pause button.  Eden awoke at 4am, and I couldn’t stop thinking, planning, and praying about all the changes happening in our life.

Thank you for your prayers and sweet words of encouragement this week.   I can’t believe it’s been a week since my last post!?!  Each day, I intended to update ya’ll of the joy, faithfulness of God, and answered prayers – but the days slipped away.   After posting “Joy and God’s Faithfulness” in my head, I laughed (yes, to God and myself, as I talk and laugh out loud to us all the time)  that my readers might tag me skitzo with uglies post one day and then a joy post, the next.

But that my friend is my real, wonderfully, blessed life.   And, I dare to believe that it is reality for all of us.

I’ve been taking my thoughts captive and renewing my mind with God’s Word.  Casting my burdens on Him.   Taking proactive steps to tackle the projects and planning that I do have control over, amidst my feelings of chaos.   Some, not naming names, may call me a tad neurotic, but I find it calming and liberating to have a plan and take action where I can.

The air is dry and it’s bitter cold outside.  The ground is once again covered with snow and is beautiful.  Fresh. Clean.

I am in awe of all God is doing in our family.  I can see Him advocating for us,  ordering our steps, and walking before us.   A loving Shepard.

However, change is change.   Change is stressful.   Good change is stressful.   I bet you didn’t know that I. do. not. like. change.

I’m growing.

We’ve been plugging away at home education.  Selling  / buying homes.  Praising God for the gift of health, amidst the many winter germs out and about.    We had a great trip to our city’s childrens museum with wonderful friends this week to try out the new Lego exhibit.   Ving was inspired and has been on a Lego castle building spree since we returned home.   Hunter started training at a new gymnastics gym.  His intensity and learning have increased with new coaches, and we are excited for his upcoming meets.   Isaac has joined the ranks of the master Lego builders, and loves playing with any manipulatives.    Zaiah is a busy climbing machine, and is talking non-stop.  I suppose two years worth of words are just erupting at once.   Eden now has four teeth, and is crawling all over the house!  She can feed herself finger foods… and remains a delight to us all.

There’s  much to tell, in time.  Deadlines and legalities, first.

I’ve been playing with hair bows.   I still love headbands, just imagining the things to do with wisps of hair.   I tried a mini rubber band holder thingie, it probably has a more official girlie-hair-name.  I thought  it looked silly, but the brothers loved the Bam-Bam look.   But seeing I am the boss of girlie hair, we’re sticking with the bows.